A Guide to Surviving Valentines Day As a Pathetic Single Loser

 Ah, Valentine's Day. The most self-hate inducing holiday of the year, and just like the year previous, present, and (probably) next, I'm alone, surprising no-one. I'd like to say that it's because I have higher standards than everyone else...so I will. It's because I have higher standards than everyone else.

These have nothing to do with it.

So I figured that because I haven't blogged in a while, and I need something to do with my many loneliness-filled hours, I would craft a magnificent Valentine's Event - three Valentine-themed blogs before Valentine's Day. So check back here over the next few days if you don't have anyone special in your life. And if you're reading this right now, that's pretty likely.

Anyway, for the days leading up to valentines day, I decided to lend some suggestions to my fellow gamers, anime watchers and other virgin stereotypes on how to occupy their time during this celebration of everything that they don't have.

A Guide To Surviving Valentine's Day As A Pathetic Single Loser

First of all, you will need the following supplies:

• One box of tissues for your streaming tears of loneliness.
• One box of tissues for...other loneliness-inspired secretions.
• Several action movies.
• A games console and games (the kind that get blamed for school shootings).
• Unhealthy food and drink, fast food is preferred.
• A pet cat.

All supplies must be gathered at least 24 hours before Valentine's Day. For the pathetic single loser, leaving the house on Valentine's Day is not an option. Any exposure to the outer-world will permit subjectivity to couples of all races, religions and sexualities openly expressing their disgusting love for each other. They will present each other with gifts of chocolate, flowers and plush toys. You must not witness these acts.

It will be un-bear-able

Turn off all phones. Lock all doors and windows. Deactivate your Facebook account. Any contact with another human being on Valentine's Day will result in either a) them talking about how great their relationship is, or b) them asking something along the lines of "why don't you have a girlfriend?" If you hear anything along these lines, you are likely to kill yourself.

Stay up late the night before. You want to sleep through as much of V-Day as you can, like Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later. Only instead of waking up to a bunch of infected people trying to maul you, you'll be waking up to a bunch of uninfected people mauling at each other.

They'll be infected soon though, ZING!

When you wake up, immediately begin to gorge yourself. You only have a few moments before the crushing emptiness hits you, and you need to fill that emptiness with salt and fat.

Turn on your television, and put on an action movie. Turn the volume up as loud as you can before the soundwaves physically blow the remote out of your hands. You will not be able to think about your lack of a loved one over the sound of car chases and explosions.

WARNING. SOME ACTION MOVIES HAVE ROMANTIC SUBPLOTS, AND WITNESSING SUCH DISPLAYS WILL BE LIKE HAVING A THOUSAND FLAMING KNIVES JAMMED INTO YOUR HEART. BE CAUTIOUS. PICK TERMINATOR 2 OVER TERMINATOR.

Now you know what that line really means.

When the movies have run their course, turn on a games console (and make sure to continue the gorging). Put in a game, and kill everything. Don't worry about objectives, don't worry about the story, just kill everything. Leave nothing in your wake but a fine red mist. Simulated violence can solve any problem.

Despite your best efforts, though, it may be tough to completely eliminate thoughts of loneliness. If you are really feeling the need for companionship, that's what the cat is for. Scratch under your cat's chin, scratch behind it's ears. Let your cat cuddle up to you. Stroke your cat's fur.

Resist the urge to fuck your cat.

As the night draws to a close, I know a few of you may be clinging to the hope that somebody, maybe that cute girl from around the corner, will knock on your door at the last minute. She won't. She's with that douchebag jock who looks like the guy that picked on you in school because you had bad acne. I don't know what she sees in him either, but he's getting some tonight. You're not.

...Use up the rest of your tissues.