Becoming The Uberman - Day 2: "Mishaps and Madness"

This is Day 2 of an on-going quest for uberness. If you haven’t read any of my previous Uberman posts, you will have no clue what I’m talking about. Go here for my report of Day 1.

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Things are starting to get increasingly dangerous, and precautions had to be made. I have entered a new stage within this adaptation phase that endangers my chances of achieving epic uberness. The story that led to this is as follows.

At around 8:40am on May 21st, I was scheduled for another nap. I was feeling genuinely tired, with my eyes lids yanking themselves up my arse in every effort to close. As soon as nap time came, I was ecstatic. I promptly morphed into Speedy Gonzalez and hopped in my bed in a lighining fast 0.00001 seconds - the fastest recorded hopping-into-bed-time in teh worldz! I eventually responded to the pleading prayers of my crying eyelids, set the alarm for 9:00am, and closed them shut. Just moments after closing my eyes - I was lifeless.

The next thing I remember was waking in a haze, the room brightly lit, and the deepest depths of my brain beating in harsh rhythm. I looked at my phone and the time read 2:18pm. I had slept for more than 5 hours, and felt a sudden sincere rush of betrayal by my own body and mind. What was worse however was that I was still tired. I had slept for five fucking hours and I felt like a pile of stinking shit was thrown in my face, eaten, and shat back out again – on my face. This, was my first ever encounter with a blackout.

This is all that remains in memory of that nap.

I was told that I was completely unresponsive during this nap, no matter how many times I was poked, prodded, slapped, pinched or shouted at - I was sleeping like a dead man. My alarm rang numerous times, and I slept through that squealing mechanical whore of a clock like a baby. I’m pretty sure I paid it not to do that, stupid bitch. Essentially, a blackout is the complete short circuit of the brain once it reaches a certain sleep-deprived state. And its something I need to avoid if I am to achieve becoming truly uber.

This is what triggered the sudden need for precautions before taking a nap. And I shall list them here:

-          - No sleeping on beds. Only surfaces/objects that meet the bare requirements for a smooth sleep (i.e couches).

-          - More than 1 alarm while napping. Each set a few minutes apart.

-          - No thick warm blankets. Anything else that can be used for warmth will be worn instead.

-          - No coffee.

So far these are the rules I play by when Mr. Nap comes aknockin’, and they were tested with successful results. However, it was during my sixth and last nap in the day that something truly fascinating occurred.

As I was lying down, I closed my eyes and I felt something at first I couldn’t quite believe - my eyes began to dance. Yes, you read correctly. Dance. Underneath my heavy eye lids all I could sense were these rolling/jerky movements. I placed my hands gently atop of my eyelids and confirmed this phenomenon; my eyes were rapidly jolting from one direction to another. Moments later a sensation that I can only describe as a pulsating rainbow-flavoured tingling-numbness rode throughout my body, clearly emitting from my head. I then felt a sort of cold wave pulsate from the frontal section of my brain, beginning in frontal cortex then gradually decreasing in temperature as it surfed to the hind regions of my brain. I know what I just said sounds bizarre, but in all honesty, I cannot explain it any other way.

What was even more surreal was that I was fully aware throughout the duration of these effects, I could hear background noise, clocks ticking, distant conversations, I could freely move, smell, feel, ect. What was even stranger was that even through this awareness it was as if I skipped time; 20 minutes passed by like 20 seconds. After my alarm sounded, I kept repeating to myself “What on earth just fucking happened?” and I promptly gave myself the quick once-over to make sure I didn’t grow a third arm or something. It is undoubtedly the most bizarre 20 minutes I’ve ever felt in my entire life, and in all honesty it has made me more curious than ever.

SUMMARY/SIDE EFFECTS:

·         Extreme sleepiness. Often not aware of surroundings, frequently bumping into walls, long periods of day dreaming, constant drowsiness.

·         The deciphering of speech. It has become a challenge when listening to other people talk.

·         Weird-ass trippy shit. Described above.

·         The skipping of time while fully aware/awake. Only occurs when eyes are shut. Described above.

·         One alarm is no longer enough to get me out of bed. Let alone wake me up.